Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
