Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
