the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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