I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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