There is no way he is gay with that hair.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
