I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Boobs speak an international language.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
