My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
