3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
