Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
