I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
