Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
