And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
