So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
