I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
