i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
