Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
