I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
