You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
