I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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