remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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