Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
