so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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