On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
