Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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