She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
