I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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