Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
