dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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