And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I deserve this hangover.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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