Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize