u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize