Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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