I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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