My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
