so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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