you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
