i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
