He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
