My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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