So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
