my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize