apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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