So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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