It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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