On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
