I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
