The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
