I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
