we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize