why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
