So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
