I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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