I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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