I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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