Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
