i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I need a burrito and a hug.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
