My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
