I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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