i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
vagina is talking i cant
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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