If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
