Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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