i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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