i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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