Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize