Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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