Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
