Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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