I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
