So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your shirt... Was in my pants
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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